I’m convinced that the human brain the the number one way to guarantee the destruction of the human being it’s a part of. For the most part, I’m highly confident and I know all my ideas are good (to say the least), but when fear and insecurity come in, it’s like a fucking murder gore orgy fest of the “spirit” (for lack of a better term). My ego is shot to Hell, I find everything that I do to be totally worthless and meaningless, and that I’m better off just sitting around enjoying the success of everyone who isn’t me. I’ve tried since age 20 to get a movie career started, acting, writing, directing, editing, the works! I have managed to crank out one fucking awesome movie (“Biblical Warfare”, see below for link), AND I did it exactly the way I wanted it done (with petty exceptions), and I’m proud of that, but to see my talent wasted on a piss-poor 35oo YouTube views and go nowhere. I’ve looked up many film festivals to enter “Biblical Warfare” into, but each one had at least one rule or catch that I could not meet (“under 15 minutes”, “must be about [specific issue]”, “must be ‘family’ friendly [aka friendly to people with oppressive religious views]”), with the latest being “the film must be no more than one year old”. Plus, so many people have flaked endlessly on things I tried starting up. It’s like, WHAT THE FUCK!?!? Am I supposed to direct, act, hold the camera, hold the boom mike, control the lighting, AND fund the movie/show ALL BY MYSELF!?!? “Oh dude! I’m sorry, man! I’m busy!” Yeah, busy up-thumbing pics of cats and NAKED BOYZZZ! Hell, by many people’s definition, I’m REALLY busting my balls going into the living room an flipping through Netflix every day I’m off work!
There’s just way too much “can’t”, “won’t”, and “don’t bother” swimming around me, and it couldn’t come at any worse of a time - right in the middle of writing a screenplay to a movie that’s gonna blow shit out of the water! What does this have to do with my brain destroying myself? Easy - all this shit builds up, I lose strength to keep my head high, the doubt swells, multiplies, and replays itself to death… and then I crumble. This cannot happen during the writing process, a time where I need my full confidence the most.
I’ve always hated depending on others for the longest time, but I know doing so does do a bit of good every now n’ then. I know it’s possible to get this movie done, but it’ll take a lot more money and effort than anything I’ve done previously. An that scares the fuck out of me! I hate going to people and being told “no”. It’ll only get worse when I’m going to a potential producer and basically ”beg” them for the money I need.
I suppose there’s a lot I’m not looking forward to, but it’s either I get off my psychological ass and risk the hardships, or be guaranteed pure life misery by making burgers, fires, and shakes for the lowest possible wage under the thumb of assholes who are fully dedicated to disrespecting your entire being.
So in a nut shell, I’m typing this mostly to myself, for myself. What will it be, Wil - guaranteed suicide-inducing misery via playing it safe, or sucking it up, enjoying yourself for once, and putting your ego at risk to make some awesome shit happen?
EDIT: Forgot something :P http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYuF-n_8yUI
This is a movie I made a short appearance in near the end. Still, watch the whole fuckin’ thing!! It has its flaws, but the cinematography is insanely beautiful, and the in general story came out well.
To make up for the lack of live shows of “The Gates of WiL”, I will be posting links to on-demand episodes from http://www.notstr8.tv on here, and uploading them onto my YouTube channel (http://www.youtube.com/user/HellishBrutality). I need to brush up on my promotion skills since I’ll have plenty of time to do it. SO stay tuned! Episode 12 should already be posted on here.